To understand trying to get anything done legally in Thailand is to imagine doing everything at the DMV in blue ink.
To that point, the DMV in Thailand is called the Land Transport Office. My mission: a driver's license.
I started this adventure months ago when we still lived in Nong Khai. Unfortunately, while there, I didn't get my work permit until right before we were leaving so we didn't have time to do the process there. However, the employees there were incredibly friendly and invited me back when I had free time. If I hadn't moved, I assume I would have had a license by the end of that week.
Then we moved to Bangkok (Min Buri, more specifically - and no, we don't know if it's one word or two becauseThaisdonotputspacesbetweentheirwordsinasentence.) and I needed to rent a new bike. This was more difficult because I didn't have a license but I did have a Non-B Visa.
Here's the breakdown of how and when you can drive:
Tourist: They can drive on a tourist visa with a home license so long as it is in English.
Non-B Immigrants: It's illegal to drive without a Thai license. Go get one.
As I'm in category 2, I needed a license to rent a bike. Luckily there are many lovely people who are more than willing to rent you a bike without a license. This is mostly because they don't get in much trouble for renting to you if you get caught driving without a license. So for the past four months, I've been driving without a license. That means that every day and every time I get on my bike, I risk a 3000B+ fine for driving without a license and I can't get insurance to cover me in case of an accident.
So, the first time in Nong Khai I didn't get my license. I was unswayed. I tried to go again in Bangkok.
I went to the local Land Office. I got a queue number and sat back with my book. When my number was called I was informed I was in the wrong place. I was in the Land Office, not the Land Transport Office. I got back on my bike and drove to the address the secretary at the LO put into my phone.
Arriving at the LTO, I got another queue number and waited again. Eventually, I was pulled into the main honcho's office. He very curtly told me that because I was "no from state of New York, California, or Chicago - no license for Thailand".
I called the woman I was renting a moped from and asked her to speak with him. She had seen all my documentation from the US and knew exactly what I would need to complete this process. She got back on the phone and said that the man had told her that only licenses from New York, California, or Chicago got automatically transferred.
I laughed and asked her how he got that information, he said he got it from the book. (He was looking in a giant, 4-inch, 3-ring binder. I told Emma (the moped renter) that there was no state of Chicago and that he should maybe look into that in the future.
At this point, the misogynist behind the desk had had enough of the two women asking him difficult questions and he asked me to leave. I then pointedly asked him what I needed to get a license. He stated that I needed a letter of residency from my embassy, a work permit, a non-b visa, a doctor's note, and money. He said it all very quickly and in Thai while pointing at the door.
It was easily the most rude encounter I've ever had with a Thai person.
So for that point, I gave up for a while. I was rather dejected. But I knew I would eventually need one, so I made an appointment at my agency to get that letter.
Fast forward about three weeks and I went to the US Embassy.
You know what's worse than needing an appointment to get into your own embassy? Finally getting in to see a giant oil painting of Donald Trump. *shudder*
I waited in line for a hot moment before I filled out a piece of paper with my name and address, had it notarized, and paid A HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS FOR IT.
Fast forward a couple weeks again and I went back to the same misogynist. He refused to see me because he didn't want to deal with it. I then asked who he reported to and got their contact information. I asked Emma to write up a short letter in Thai for me to send to his boss. I sent it and moved on with my life.
And then three months passed. After much discussion with my coworkers and friends, I decided on going with an agency to get my licences. I looked up many agencies before choosing Fat Boy's Driver's Licenses Services Bangkok.
I shot them a message on December 23rd asking about the process for getting a motorbike licence. They got back to me very quickly stating that it would be 4000B and take 2 full business days. They had openings on Thursday (three days from then). So for the next hour, I chatted with the woman who ran the agency and got all my paperwork in order - from inside the pool at my apartment.
Then Christmas came and went and suddenly it was boxing day! I got up early ----- ehhhhh Amanda got up early and woke my butt up ---- and drove to downtown Bangkok. It took a little over an hour to get there (it is about 15kms away). When I arrived, I was whisked into a doctors office where they took my pulse and BP (72 and 118/78) asked me for my height and weight and gave me a blue "you're healthy" stamp.
We then ran (and I'm not lying - we ran) to a taxi stand and got a motorbike taxi to the LTO in downtown BKK. Then my agent sent me to grab us coffees and when I got back, she had my paperwork done and I was number C0199 in line.
I sat down and started reading my book. Then the guy next to me started chatting. He was a lovely guy from India and we ended up spending the day chatting together. I made it through the paperwork line by 10am and then we were waiting to get to testing. There was an odd machine I had to put my face into and then identify the colors of lights in my peripheral vision.
Fun story: I don't know colors in Thai.
So I very carefully eavesdropped on the people in front of me and learned what noises I should make for each sound. Apparently I did well enough for the lady to laugh at me and stamped me through.
Then we moved on to the section where you check your depth perception. You move two sticks until they're next to each other. It was ... I didn't understand the point. It didn't matter. I have plenty of experience with chopsticks and I can move two sticks. It wasn't difficult.
Then there was an odd foot contraption where you had to make a fake machine "go" 75km/hr and then stop almost immediately. It was oddly accurate to BKK traffic. That part was harder. I got it on the second go.it was weird because I had to use my 'not driving' foot from the US (as cars are backward here in Thailand).
After passing these odd tests, I was yet again waiting. For what? A video.
I waited from 10:20 to 12:00. When my number was called I filed into the room and sat on the seat with my assigned number. I was all the way at the back. I could barely see the screen and the video was entirely in Thai. It was also supposed to be 40 minutes long.
I did manage to snag some gems from the subtitles:
"Please watch the characters ignite the car."
"You are a full fault failure."
"Your bad drive will send to hell."
"Do not cause passengers to feeling scared. It is not niceness."
"Please do not perform the killing of passengers or pedestrians. It is not niceness."
"The carrs cannot see when the high beams are high beaming."
"Use the fog lights when the rain is falling with both dogs and cats."
"Do not put the waste on the road or it need an antibiotic."
In my free time, I made some memes.
After the video, I went to wait in line to get my printed license.
Yes. Before the written test, they were going to print and give me a license.
I don't... Thailand.
Technically I had a valid license after it was printed and they just TRUSTED ME to go upstairs and take my test.
Also, in this photo, I was not allowed to smile. And the lady kept moving my chin. It was highly irritating.
After I got my printed license, I headed upstairs to take my test. I was greeted by a very angry Thai woman who said she was closed for the day. My agent disagreed saying it was 2:07 and the last test was at 2:30.
The lady begrudgingly gave me a testing booth and sighed exasperatedly when I asked for a written test in English.
What was I supposed to do? Take it in Thai?
I got a 48/50. Not bad for not actually studying.
FYI: according to Thai law, I can totally take a tank on a highway - but not a car without a taillight.
And that was it for my car license.
Stay tuned for updates on my motorbike license.
